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What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Justina McCaffrey has another thoughtful piece up at Huffington Post. This time, she’s talking about what’s missing from some weddings: the raw passion that makes two people commit to give…

Justina McCaffrey has another thoughtful piece up at Huffington Post. This time, she’s talking about what’s missing from some weddings: the raw passion that makes two people commit to give themselves to each other completely.

Weddings become productions that are based on entertainment, not centered on witnessing an incredible commitment – one that will probably be difficult to maintain at time – between two people who are also saying that they’re willing to die to themselves in order to create this exclusive union with the other.

I recall before my husband and I were engaged, we noticed that most couples stopped dating when they got engaged. As soon as the ring was on her finger, they were wedding planning. All the personal work of dating was far behind them which is too bad since planning a wedding doesn’t necessarily prepare you for marriage.

As Justina writes,

Given the reality of marriage, a wedding should give people the opportunity to congratulate the couple on the decision to deny selfishness and a pilgrimage pointing toward spiritual maturity. This type of acclaim should be reflected within a wedding.

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39 Years of “Roe v. Wade”

Yesterday marked 39 years of court mandated abortion rights in every state in the U.S. People all over the country have been commemorating the decision with the biggest event happening…

Yesterday marked 39 years of court mandated abortion rights in every state in the U.S. People all over the country have been commemorating the decision with the biggest event happening today in Washington, DC, the March For Life.

There are so many things that could be said, but I think I’ll just let this essay by Paul Vitz and Evelyn Vitz address one key concern, namely that a movement that claims to be about choice should at the very least inform women about… their choices.

Most women who have abortions feel as if they have no choice but to have an abortion. And most are in no way prepared for the fallout of their choice.

Could we at least have an honest conversation about that?

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I’ll Love You Forever. Until Tomorrow.

In 2010, Washington, DC redefined marriage so that same-sex couples could marry. Part of the argument in favor of redefining marriage has been that same-sex couples in committed relationships should…

In 2010, Washington, DC redefined marriage so that same-sex couples could marry.

Part of the argument in favor of redefining marriage has been that same-sex couples in committed relationships should be allowed to marry because they are in a long-term relationship…that sort of looks like marriage.

Now DC is considering legislation (at the Council level) that would make it easier for same-sex couples married in DC to divorce. This would also apply to any same-sex couple that married in DC and now live in a state where they can’t divorce because same-sex marriage is not recognized in the state.

On the one hand, I understand that divorce laws are an unfortunate necessity. But when such an issue was made concerning the level of commitment that same-sex couples were supposed to be living, it does give one something to ponder. We were told that such couples were already living the type of commitment that married people should be living.

I know that marriage for heterosexuals isn’t in the greatest shape and that divorce is all too common a result for many couples.

But isn’t it slightly off that after all the championing of same-sex marriage, we suddenly (less than two years since DC Council approved same-sex marriage) need to pass divorce laws?

Before we start redefining marriage, we ought to do what we can to strengthen it. If creating more marriage-like relationships just leads to more divorce, I’m not sure what the upside is for expanding marriage beyond its traditional definition.

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An Infant King & Why It’s A Good Time To Be A Catholic

Well, the month of December pretty well got away from me. I was writing, but missed posting here on my blog. So to wrap things up, here’s a piece reflecting…

Well, the month of December pretty well got away from me. I was writing, but missed posting here on my blog.

So to wrap things up, here’s a piece reflecting on why God made man had to start as an infant.

And here are some thoughts on why this is a good time to be a Catholic. I’d been reading some history and once again was reminded of the idea that only a divinely instituted church could survive humanity and all its foibles.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

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Wedding Dresses & Women. Or “How women dream of Prince Charming and wakeup in ‘The Hangover.'”

The wedding industry takes a regular beating for being over the top. But there are also good aspects to it. As a designer of high-end wedding dresses, Justina McCraffrey (full…

The wedding industry takes a regular beating for being over the top. But there are also good aspects to it.

As a designer of high-end wedding dresses, Justina McCraffrey (full disclosure – a  friend of mine) sees a lot of the inner workings of weddings.  Her work brings her closely in contact with the bride, as described in a recent piece for The Huffington Post. She gets a chance to watch the dress reveal to the bride the woman she once dreamed of becoming, a woman she forgot a long time ago when dreams of Prince Charming faded away to the reality that fuels movies like The Hangover.

Recently, my husband and I watched Horrible Bosses. Like the Hangover movies they belie a deep crisis in masculinity. Forget any idea of Prince Charming or even a somewhat competent man capable of taking care of himself and possibly thinking of someone else’s well being. (Knocked Up was a brilliant exception in this genre of movies.) A charitable take would be to say that these men missed out somewhere. They missed out on knowing how to be men – how to love someone else, how to be strong for someone else, and how to give themselves. They’re so void of any self possession that they will never be able to be very present for anyone else, especially a woman who’s learned how to take care of herself.

Justina writes about a very specific type of woman – the highly successful, competent, driven woman. She shows up to get something done; she’s there to buy a dress and cross it off her list. But the experience of the dress ends up being somewhat transformative. Justina describes a sort of self discovery that takes place:

It is the abandoned dream and vision of herself that was once forgotten somewhere between the divorce of her parents, high school exams, and her first broken heart. It is the internal struggle of regrets versus survival and that suddenly in the mirror a vision of herself looking like she is in love, and looking like she is vulnerable, and even giddy with joy makes her uncomfortable. It is a woman that she does not know. It is the woman she used to be, even as a little girl.

Sure, fairy tales and the Disney princess motif can be taken to excess; but the fact that children, especially girls, are drawn to them seems to suggest that there’s something good and pleasing in them. After all, is it so bad to teach a young girl that she can grow up to love a good man and be loved by him?

I’ll let Justina’s words conclude this post, but do read her entire article for yourself.

They [Women] are taught not to rely on others, especially men. Reality and dashed expectations have given them a somewhat hard edge.

My work isn’t just about making dresses, it’s about helping women reclaim their identity, and embrace the truth of who they are. It is showing these beautiful, dignified, and intelligent women through the silence of the gowns, that they should expect to be coveted, loved, and admired not just for what they do and whether they’re successful, but for living within the acceptance, truth, and beauty of who they are.

Part of the creative process for me is not just creating the dress, but watching the bride become who she is. There’s a transformation from the woman who entered the salon as a manager of sorts with a massive to-do list that included buying a dress, to the woman who sees herself as a bride, someone to love and be loved.

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There’s Still Time To Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

If you’re like me, you were a little confused when you saw candy canes for sale at the same time as the Halloween treats this year. Traditionalists have long marked…

If you’re like me, you were a little confused when you saw candy canes for sale at the same time as the Halloween treats this year. Traditionalists have long marked the start of the Christmas season not so much by the Advent calendar but by that day-after feeling of eating Thanksgiving leftovers, watching football, or shopping Black Friday. But aggressive marketing and a weakened economy have gradually pushed the Christmas season beyond the start of November and all the way into October.

We’re now less than two weeks out from the start of Advent (Sunday, November 27). There’s still time to take back Christmas even if candy canes were handed out to trick-or-treaters this year.

Read more. Here.

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No One Invited…Mother.

Over the weekend, I was sifting through a pile of mail and got distracted with a Brooks Brothers catalog (pictured right). Something bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger…

Over the weekend, I was sifting through a pile of mail and got distracted with a Brooks Brothers catalog (pictured right). Something bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I realized, this cover picture had nothing to do with a family, except perhaps a broken one.

There’s no way this woman could be the mother to those children unless she had them when she was 13 or 15, which doesn’t sound like the demographic that shops at Brooks Brothers. It looks like the husband, at least 20 years older, has substituted the nanny or his young secretary for his wife. Maybe it’s a scoop on season five of Mad Men since the previous episodes concluded with Don Draper proposing to his very young and beautiful secretary, who also happens to be great with his kids.

If you look closely, she doesn’t even seem to be wearing awedding band. The ring looks more like an engagement ring.

Yes, the aging process, nature, and just about every aspect of marketing are harder on women than they are on men. But at least show something that could be a real family. I can’t figure out who Brooks Brothers is targeting because women who are the age of the model don’t shop at Brooks. (Brooks might not even carry sizes that small.) If they have money, they shop other high end brands. The women who do shop Brooks tend to be older and/or shopping for their husbands and not for themselves.

Additionally, I know women who have had several children and look amazing. These are women who, if they got together and had some good marketing, could publish a book that would be the next South Beach Diet. They look great and many of us wished we looked as good as they do. If they can package their looks as the benefits of having a large and busy family, all I can say is cha-ching!

But these women also look just a little bit older than the model here. Yes, Brooks, a mom can be older and still be beautiful.

This reminds me a bit of a section from Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities. The protagonist Sherman is at an exclusive Manhattan party:

The women came in two varieties. First, there were women in their late thirties and in their forties and older (women “of a certain age”), all of them skin and bones (starved to near perfection). To compensate for the concupiscence missing from their juiceless ribs and atrophied backsides, they turned to the dress designers. This season no puffs, flounces, pleats, ruffles, bibs, bows, battings, scallops, laces, darts, or shirrs on the bias were too extreme. They were the social X rays, to use the phrase that had bubbled up into Sherman’s own brain. Second, there were the so-called Lemon Tarts. These were women in their twenties or early thirties, mostly blondes (the Lemon in the Tarts), who were the second, third, and fourth wives or live-in girlfriends of men over forty or fifty or sixty (or seventy), the sort of women men refer to, quite without thinking, as girls. This season the Tart was able to flaunt the natural advantages of youth by showing her legs from well above the knee and emphasizing her round bottom (something no X ray had). What was entirely missing from chez Bavardage was that manner of woman who is neither very young nor very old, who has laid in a lining of subcutaneous fat, who glows with plumpness and a rosy face that speaks, without word, of home and hearth and hot food ready at six and stories read aloud at night and conversations while seated on the edge of the bed, just before the Sandman comes. In short, no one ever invited…Mother.

Sure, advertisers and consumers like youth and beauty. But there’s something wrong when beauty doesn’t include women who are old enough to be mothers, especially in a family shoot. Moms can be beautiful. Just ask any child.

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Women, Catholics, & Conservatives

Last week, I wrote my regular column on three films this year that feature women leads, including The Mighty Macs, a G-rated feel-good sports movie that opened last weekend. I’m…

Last week, I wrote my regular column on three films this year that feature women leads, including The Mighty Macs, a G-rated feel-good sports movie that opened last weekend. I’m used to writing about controversy so I almost felt like I wasn’t doing my job by writing about something that would be so uncontroversial.

Silly me.

Turns out that this movie, at least according to some, is “contrary to Catholic teaching and as such [doesn’t] deserve our support.”

Strong words.

Lisa Wheeler [full disclosure – a friend of mine] gives good response in the comments. But I’m still troubled by the post and other comments.

The controversy largely centers on the role of women and the character of Coach Cathy Rush. It’s asserted that the “live your dream” message dovetails with a feminist agenda and it’s suggested that women have no place in the workforce.

First, these are conservative views, not Catholic. Some conservatives hold them. Some groups of Catholics do, too. Some Protestant Churches make them a matter of belief as do other religions. But they are not Catholic doctrine.

The Catholic Church has never taught that a woman’s sole role is to be married, have children, and stay out of the world. Most recently, in 2004, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith put forth that women have a role in every aspect of society:

In this perspective, one understands the irreplaceable role of women in all aspects of family and social life involving human relationships and caring for others. Here what John Paul II has termed the genius of women becomes very clear.19 It implies first of all that women be significantly and actively present in the family, “the primordial and, in a certain sense sovereign society”,20 since it is here above all that the features of a people take shape; it is here that its members acquire basic teachings. They learn to love inasmuch as they are unconditionally loved, they learn respect for others inasmuch as they are respected, they learn to know the face of God inasmuch as they receive a first revelation of it from a father and a mother full of attention in their regard. Whenever these fundamental experiences are lacking, society as a whole suffers violence and becomes in turn the progenitor of more violence. It means also that women should be present in the world of work and in the organization of society, and that women should have access to positions of responsibility which allow them to inspire the policies of nations and to promote innovative solutions to economic and social problems. [Emphasis mine.]

The Church doesn’t say that only unmarried women, childless women, or women whose children are grown can have roles outside of the home. That’s what some conservatives and other religious groups say. Admittedly, some have even more stringent views of the role of women.

For all the Catholic inspired humor about Catholic guilt, rules, stern priests, and nuns that rap your knuckles, the Catholic Church actually does think that adult women and men can make decisions about how they lead their lives and arrange their families. Yes, the family must be a priority for a married couple; but there are so many ways for that to happen according to the gifts and needs of each couple.

So, getting back to The Mighty Macs and the role of Coach Cathy Rush, my first reaction upon reading the critique and the related comments was: “A pregnant woman can coach basketball.” The critique centers on the fact that Coach Rush got a job without consulting her husband. From there, apparently it necessarily follows that she must be eschewing family. One could infer that, but it doesn’t necessarily follow. Maybe she was not delaying a family. After all, it does take 9+months for a baby to be born. A woman can do a lot in that time, even coach a basketball team if she gets pregnant.

It’s ironic that some conservatives think that women shouldn’t be out in the work force, that somehow it’s too much for them. But nonetheless women should have the energy to stay home and manage a busy family and be pregnant. Sorry, but that takes a ton of work and if you don’t think women are up for hard work then they certainly don’t have a role in the family.

I also find it off putting that a group of Catholics would find something troubling in a woman pursuing her dream and yet they never caution against the dangers of a man pursuing his dreams. After all, a husband can be so caught up in pursuing his dreams of success that he neglects his wife and children. It’s not that uncommon…

And Catholics should be a little more facile when it comes to the word “feminism” and its derivatives. After all, John Paul II used it repeatedly, most notably in the encyclical Evangelium Vitae, n. 99:

In transforming culture so that it supports life, women occupy a place, in thought and action, which is unique and decisive. It depends on them to promote a “new feminism” which rejects the temptation of imitating models of “male domination”, in order to acknowledge and affirm the true genius of women in every aspect of the life of society, and overcome all discrimination, violence and exploitation. [Emphasis mine.]

In other words, “feminism” is not a dirty a word.

But back to the movie, it may not be perfect and no one has to like it even though I did. But don’t use the Catholic faith as a basis for not liking it and please don’t misattribute extremely conservative views on women to the Catholic Church.

Update, 12 p.m. 11/27/11. Just came across Jeremy Lott’s review of TMM which I think is very good. Go see the movie! C’mon you know you’re craving popcorn…

 

 

 

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