Author: Pia de Solenni

No One Invited…Mother.

Over the weekend, I was sifting through a pile of mail and got distracted with a Brooks Brothers catalog (pictured right). Something bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger…

Over the weekend, I was sifting through a pile of mail and got distracted with a Brooks Brothers catalog (pictured right). Something bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I realized, this cover picture had nothing to do with a family, except perhaps a broken one.

There’s no way this woman could be the mother to those children unless she had them when she was 13 or 15, which doesn’t sound like the demographic that shops at Brooks Brothers. It looks like the husband, at least 20 years older, has substituted the nanny or his young secretary for his wife. Maybe it’s a scoop on season five of Mad Men since the previous episodes concluded with Don Draper proposing to his very young and beautiful secretary, who also happens to be great with his kids.

If you look closely, she doesn’t even seem to be wearing awedding band. The ring looks more like an engagement ring.

Yes, the aging process, nature, and just about every aspect of marketing are harder on women than they are on men. But at least show something that could be a real family. I can’t figure out who Brooks Brothers is targeting because women who are the age of the model don’t shop at Brooks. (Brooks might not even carry sizes that small.) If they have money, they shop other high end brands. The women who do shop Brooks tend to be older and/or shopping for their husbands and not for themselves.

Additionally, I know women who have had several children and look amazing. These are women who, if they got together and had some good marketing, could publish a book that would be the next South Beach Diet. They look great and many of us wished we looked as good as they do. If they can package their looks as the benefits of having a large and busy family, all I can say is cha-ching!

But these women also look just a little bit older than the model here. Yes, Brooks, a mom can be older and still be beautiful.

This reminds me a bit of a section from Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities. The protagonist Sherman is at an exclusive Manhattan party:

The women came in two varieties. First, there were women in their late thirties and in their forties and older (women “of a certain age”), all of them skin and bones (starved to near perfection). To compensate for the concupiscence missing from their juiceless ribs and atrophied backsides, they turned to the dress designers. This season no puffs, flounces, pleats, ruffles, bibs, bows, battings, scallops, laces, darts, or shirrs on the bias were too extreme. They were the social X rays, to use the phrase that had bubbled up into Sherman’s own brain. Second, there were the so-called Lemon Tarts. These were women in their twenties or early thirties, mostly blondes (the Lemon in the Tarts), who were the second, third, and fourth wives or live-in girlfriends of men over forty or fifty or sixty (or seventy), the sort of women men refer to, quite without thinking, as girls. This season the Tart was able to flaunt the natural advantages of youth by showing her legs from well above the knee and emphasizing her round bottom (something no X ray had). What was entirely missing from chez Bavardage was that manner of woman who is neither very young nor very old, who has laid in a lining of subcutaneous fat, who glows with plumpness and a rosy face that speaks, without word, of home and hearth and hot food ready at six and stories read aloud at night and conversations while seated on the edge of the bed, just before the Sandman comes. In short, no one ever invited…Mother.

Sure, advertisers and consumers like youth and beauty. But there’s something wrong when beauty doesn’t include women who are old enough to be mothers, especially in a family shoot. Moms can be beautiful. Just ask any child.

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Women, Catholics, & Conservatives

Last week, I wrote my regular column on three films this year that feature women leads, including The Mighty Macs, a G-rated feel-good sports movie that opened last weekend. I’m…

Last week, I wrote my regular column on three films this year that feature women leads, including The Mighty Macs, a G-rated feel-good sports movie that opened last weekend. I’m used to writing about controversy so I almost felt like I wasn’t doing my job by writing about something that would be so uncontroversial.

Silly me.

Turns out that this movie, at least according to some, is “contrary to Catholic teaching and as such [doesn’t] deserve our support.”

Strong words.

Lisa Wheeler [full disclosure – a friend of mine] gives good response in the comments. But I’m still troubled by the post and other comments.

The controversy largely centers on the role of women and the character of Coach Cathy Rush. It’s asserted that the “live your dream” message dovetails with a feminist agenda and it’s suggested that women have no place in the workforce.

First, these are conservative views, not Catholic. Some conservatives hold them. Some groups of Catholics do, too. Some Protestant Churches make them a matter of belief as do other religions. But they are not Catholic doctrine.

The Catholic Church has never taught that a woman’s sole role is to be married, have children, and stay out of the world. Most recently, in 2004, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith put forth that women have a role in every aspect of society:

In this perspective, one understands the irreplaceable role of women in all aspects of family and social life involving human relationships and caring for others. Here what John Paul II has termed the genius of women becomes very clear.19 It implies first of all that women be significantly and actively present in the family, “the primordial and, in a certain sense sovereign society”,20 since it is here above all that the features of a people take shape; it is here that its members acquire basic teachings. They learn to love inasmuch as they are unconditionally loved, they learn respect for others inasmuch as they are respected, they learn to know the face of God inasmuch as they receive a first revelation of it from a father and a mother full of attention in their regard. Whenever these fundamental experiences are lacking, society as a whole suffers violence and becomes in turn the progenitor of more violence. It means also that women should be present in the world of work and in the organization of society, and that women should have access to positions of responsibility which allow them to inspire the policies of nations and to promote innovative solutions to economic and social problems. [Emphasis mine.]

The Church doesn’t say that only unmarried women, childless women, or women whose children are grown can have roles outside of the home. That’s what some conservatives and other religious groups say. Admittedly, some have even more stringent views of the role of women.

For all the Catholic inspired humor about Catholic guilt, rules, stern priests, and nuns that rap your knuckles, the Catholic Church actually does think that adult women and men can make decisions about how they lead their lives and arrange their families. Yes, the family must be a priority for a married couple; but there are so many ways for that to happen according to the gifts and needs of each couple.

So, getting back to The Mighty Macs and the role of Coach Cathy Rush, my first reaction upon reading the critique and the related comments was: “A pregnant woman can coach basketball.” The critique centers on the fact that Coach Rush got a job without consulting her husband. From there, apparently it necessarily follows that she must be eschewing family. One could infer that, but it doesn’t necessarily follow. Maybe she was not delaying a family. After all, it does take 9+months for a baby to be born. A woman can do a lot in that time, even coach a basketball team if she gets pregnant.

It’s ironic that some conservatives think that women shouldn’t be out in the work force, that somehow it’s too much for them. But nonetheless women should have the energy to stay home and manage a busy family and be pregnant. Sorry, but that takes a ton of work and if you don’t think women are up for hard work then they certainly don’t have a role in the family.

I also find it off putting that a group of Catholics would find something troubling in a woman pursuing her dream and yet they never caution against the dangers of a man pursuing his dreams. After all, a husband can be so caught up in pursuing his dreams of success that he neglects his wife and children. It’s not that uncommon…

And Catholics should be a little more facile when it comes to the word “feminism” and its derivatives. After all, John Paul II used it repeatedly, most notably in the encyclical Evangelium Vitae, n. 99:

In transforming culture so that it supports life, women occupy a place, in thought and action, which is unique and decisive. It depends on them to promote a “new feminism” which rejects the temptation of imitating models of “male domination”, in order to acknowledge and affirm the true genius of women in every aspect of the life of society, and overcome all discrimination, violence and exploitation. [Emphasis mine.]

In other words, “feminism” is not a dirty a word.

But back to the movie, it may not be perfect and no one has to like it even though I did. But don’t use the Catholic faith as a basis for not liking it and please don’t misattribute extremely conservative views on women to the Catholic Church.

Update, 12 p.m. 11/27/11. Just came across Jeremy Lott’s review of TMM which I think is very good. Go see the movie! C’mon you know you’re craving popcorn…

 

 

 

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How much is that (custom) baby in the window?

So here’s the thing. If you’re looking for something to follow that’s strange, weird, and fascinating, forget reality TV or any other fiction. Just look into the largely unregulated world…

So here’s the thing. If you’re looking for something to follow that’s strange, weird, and fascinating, forget reality TV or any other fiction. Just look into the largely unregulated world of assisted reproductive technologies (ART).

It’s all especially ironic in light of the attention given to the fact that Steve Jobs was adopted, not ordered like an iProduct.

Read more here.

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Happy World Contraception Day

Ooops, I’m late. (Pun intended.) In case you didn’t know, Monday, September 26, was “World Contraception Day,” so designated by a coalition of ten NGOs. (h/t Teresa Tomeo) Guess they…

Ooops, I’m late. (Pun intended.)

In case you didn’t know, Monday, September 26, was “World Contraception Day,” so designated by a coalition of ten NGOs. (h/t Teresa Tomeo) Guess they didn’t know that over at Grey’s Anatomy either. (Back to Grey’s in a second.)

As I’ve noted before, the Alan Guttmacher Institute (research arm of Planned Parenthood), claims that 46% of the women having abortions have not used a contraceptive during the month in which they became pregnant. In other words, 54% of the women seeking abortions used contraception the month they got pregnant.

I’m willing to accept that the fault might lie more with user error than the method, but the point is that just about every woman in the U.S. knows about contraception and has access to it. In fact, the challenge for many of us is to get through our ob-gyn visits without being pressured to use contraception. Plus, there are plenty of free clinics or you can skip a couple of fancy coffees and buy a few condoms or some contraceptive sponges at your neighborhood drug store. Access is not the problem. Personal responsibility is.

Which brings me back to Grey’s Anatomy. Kathryn Lopez drew attention to the intentionality behind the abortion story line in the last episode. Yes, that abortion was meant to happen. Character Cristina Yang (played by Sandra Oh), a surgeon with a great future before her, gets pregnant and decides to have an abortion. The start of the procedure is shown as the episode finishes. Her dutiful husband, also a surgeon, holds her hand.

First, neither of these characters are “dumb teenagers” or “disadvantaged.” They are highly educated doctors with access to the best scientific and medical information available. They have no religious affiliation, so they can’t be “duped” by their religious beliefs. Nothing about their life before marriage had anything to do with an abstinence only curriculum. And…they are married.

If they didn’t want children, they’d have the knowledge and the means (with no religious or moral scruples to hinder them) to avoid the conception of a new life.

Plus, Cristina is no stranger to pregnancy. She was pregnant in the first season and avoided an abortion since the pregnancy was ectopic and, therefore, removed. Maybe the show’s creator Shonda Rhimes forgot to write in the abstinence education and wine cooler part of surgical residency.

In all fairness, I think Rhimes has done an interesting job examining abortion and other bioethical issues in her other show, Private Practice. Yes, last season closed with an abortion, but there were a lot of other provocative and good messages in at least the past two seasons (notwithstanding the doctors’ sexual mores which appear to have nothing to do with “safe sex”). Grey’s Anatomy also had a very good episode on teenage pregnancy and adoption.

If things like “World Contraception Day” are going to be effective, then the surrounding culture has to support it. This means that people have to use contraception effectively and need to assume responsibility for their sexual behavior. If people in developing countries know what causes babies, what’s our excuse?

Maybe contraception is inherently flawed. It promotes a false sense of security, whether for the man or the woman.

A couple has a little too much to drink. Or he decides that it’s really not his problem anyway. Or she decides that she really does want a baby. Or that she really wants to get married and this is a way to force the matter. Or a gazillion other reasons.

The point is that contraception makes it seem like you don’t have to worry about long term consequences when in fact you do…all of the time, all of the month, not just on the days when you remember to take a pill or the occasional time that you remember to use a device or condom.

If contraception really worked, we wouldn’t have 54% of women seeking abortions as a result of pregnancies conceived while they were using contraception. And we wouldn’t have story lines like the recent Grey’s Anatomy episode.

Shonda Rhimes and the Alan Guttmacher Institute have done nothing to hide their beliefs in favor of contraception and abortion. But their own work belies the ineffectiveness of a culture that relies on contraception to govern sex.

Our sex drives are strong and real, sometimes unbearably strong even when wine coolers and ulterior motives are not part of the picture. Maybe contraception is not enough. Maybe we need to become more realistic about sex and all its implications.

Maybe, just maybe, sex with no strings attached creates problems regardless of contraception. Maybe sex demands ultimate vulnerability of both partners even if they are using contraception. Maybe that’s not possible with contraception.

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The Family That Prays Together Stays Together

I’ve heard this saying many times, but really didn’t know much about the history of it. Turns out it was coined by Fr. Peyton, sometime in the late 40s or…

I’ve heard this saying many times, but really didn’t know much about the history of it. Turns out it was coined by Fr. Peyton, sometime in the late 40s or early 50s. At one point, he led a rosary rally in San Francisco that reportedly drew over half a million people.

In honor of the 50th anniversary of this historic event, a Family Rosary Crusade has been organized for October 15th, again in San Francisco. More info here.

Hope you can attend or support something similar in your hometown.

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Toddlers, Tiaras, & Bad Parenting

No doubt, you’ve heard about the really troubling segments of the reality show “Toddlers and Tiaras.” (Arguably, the whole show is troubling.) One of the best commentaries I’ve seen on…

No doubt, you’ve heard about the really troubling segments of the reality show “Toddlers and Tiaras.” (Arguably, the whole show is troubling.)

One of the best commentaries I’ve seen on child pageants comes in the form of the movie Little Miss Sunshine. An unlikely pageant contestant, Olive really isn’t that cute or beautiful, and her family’s a mess. Her absurd grandfather is the only one with the bandwidth to help her prepare for the pageant. In his own way, he’s much more honest than other pageant promoters as to what the pageants are really all about, as demonstrated by the dance moves he teaches her. And her family actually turns out to be more functional than they (or we) knew they could be.

Now “Toddlers and Tiaras” makes it so very clear that there’s definitely a hypersexualized component to these contests. Read my latest here here.

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VP Biden “Understands” China’s One-Child Policy

The Vice President is on a tour in China. In a speech yesterday at a Chinese university, he said that he “understands” and is not “second-guessing” China’s one-child policy. Read…

The Vice President is on a tour in China. In a speech yesterday at a Chinese university, he said that he “understands” and is not “second-guessing” China’s one-child policy. Read more here.

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When Consumerism And Motherhood Collide

It’s a brave new world. We’re so far down the slippery slope, we don’t remember when we started sliding. Seriously. Now, the right to choose means that women can not…

It’s a brave new world. We’re so far down the slippery slope, we don’t remember when we started sliding. Seriously.

Now, the right to choose means that women can not only choose the sex and even some of the genetic traits of their infant, but it also means that they can dispose of their “products” at will. Sounds like ancient Rome to me, only this time it’s the women with the power, not the men. Read more here.

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